The Sentinel

Issue date: 5/29/07 Section: Humor

Hi, my name is Penelopoopy. Well, actually, that's just the name I use so future employers won't run a background check on me and think I'm a gutter slut.

In a cheap attempt at grabbing more readers, we at The Sentinel have decided to sink to new all-time lows and to cash in on what other publications are doing. It has come to my attention that the best way to stir up controversy and to get people to care about a newspaper is to stop running articles about increased minority representation in graduate school and to start writing articles about boning.

Now, in order to steal readers from The Lantern and that rotten cunt, Penelope, I will do this sex article in the same fashion as them, only I'll take it to the next level. First, I will create a column that talks about sex, but I won't really offer any real advice - I'm just gonna write down the first crass thing that pops in my head.

Then, to make it racy, I'll talk about some taboo things for the simple purpose of making some uptight religious types uneasy. Then, I'll try to be humorous and fail at it - I really want to give the reader that, "I can't tell if that was supposed to funny" feeling. Finally, I want this column to be as nonsensical as a shitty episode of "Sex & the City." So, Ohio State, here I cum!!!!

I have a friend who we'll call Tobey... actually, I take that back. I don't have a friend named Tobey, but let's pretend like I do so I can talk about the naughty things he would do if he was my friend.

Anyways, Tobey is gay... and I mean super gay. I don't mean he is wears-ass-less-leather-chaps-and-visits-art-openings-every-weekend gay; I mean he is likes-two-dicks-up-his-ass-at-once gay (are you Christians offended yet?).

Well, Tobey is dating this guy who I'll call Heath. Heath is very conservative. He'll only engage in a threesome if it is on his terms - if someone licks his butt while he rams the other dude. He refuses double anal. What a prude! Sufficed to say, Heath's old-fashioned ways put a serious damper on Tobey's sex-capades.

However, I can truly sympathize with both Tobey and Heath. My name may be Penelopoopy, but that doesn't mean I've been down with all things butt-related forever. I know that unlocking all sexual doors is awesome, but you don't want others to think you're a slut. I waited until I knew my boyfriend loved me before I let him and his World of Warcraft friend stick both of their members in my back door at the same time - nearly eight whole days.

Continued...

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