Rao's Horoscopes
Sandeep Rao
Issue date: 5/29/07 Section: Humor
|
Taurus (Apr 20-May20): Even though you're in camouflage in the bushes looking at her with binoculars, the law technically won't consider it stalking, seeing as how she's publicly sunbathing on the South Oval.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your uncontrolled Tourette's will meet its match with The Sentinel editorial staff's affinity for using expletives in articles.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The stars will align this week and the twin constellations of Brangelina and TomKat will conspire to adopt your firstborn.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): You loved her and you let her go. She came back and she was yours. But, you didn't have to urinate on her to officially stake your claim.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): You will attempt to throw away multiple copies of The Sentinel, but will be caught with our hidden cameras and undercover spies!
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23): Don't let your sister's massage parlor ad in the back of that other paper tarnish your pride in her as an independent woman.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21): Despite your cynicism of global warming trends, you decision to recycle this issue of The Sentinel by sharing it with your leftist roommate will earn you huge enviro brownie points.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Your chemistry knowlege and dexterity with a bunsen burner combined with your inability to keep up with rising tuition costs will lead you to an unexpected, but lucrative, summer internship at a meth lab.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Despite your leanings toward the Browns, your harmonious relationship with your Steelers fan roommate is by your ability to communicate telepathically through ESPN. Yes, ESPN.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): The Sentinel's frequent use of bathroom humor is directly tied to you lining your birdcage with its crappy columns.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): With violent corporal punishment of children under fire, the court will find waterboarding to be a perfectly acceptable discipline alternative for your 2-year old son.
Be the first to comment on this story