The Sentinel

Issue date: 11/16/08 Section: Humor

Aries - Your dry spell of love will finally come to an end as an elegant fall romance blossoms, however a dry spell of another kind accompanies. Be sure to carry Vaseline at all times.

Taurus - Don't Jump! On second thought, jump.

Gemini - While birth control may be 99.9% effective, an increase in sperm flagellum size will likely make you that 1/1000 exception - unless of course you stick to anal.

Cancer - This one explains itself.

Leo - Your lover is likely cheating on you - right now. However if it has not happened yet, pick out your favorite weapon and leave it under your bed. It will still be considered a crime of passion, even if you did happen to plan ahead.

Virgo - Wiping will not be necessary this month.

Libra - The winter season lurks just around the corner and the body will begin storing additional fat for warmth. Yours especially! However if you stop eating around bedtime, and every other time for that matter, then your significant other just might not leave you.

Scorpio - Don't drive drunk the night of the 16th, every other day should be ok.

Sagittarius - Unfortunately for you, 'cupid' is fresh out of 'arrows'. If you're expecting to find true love, you might just have to roofie yourself.

Capricorn - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

Aquarius - Even a blind man can find love. Maybe you are simply looking in all of the wrong places. Give your grandma's bingo night a chance or hang out at a kindergarten playground during recess time. Both are completely untapped resources.

Pisces - Your luck is looking awfully shaky this month. Just to be safe, you might not ever want to wash your hands again after holding this divine newspaper.

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