The Sentinel

Issue date: 5/4/09 Section: Humor

The nation was shocked last week when the heads of all the major media outlets came forward to issue a formal apology for "orchestrating a massive campaign of subversion which targeted the youth of America." TV giant Viacom lead the charge, posting on its website "We sincerely apologize to the parents out there who thought that the moral decay of their children was due to their own inept parenting." Soon after the Viacom press release, FOX and Disney released similar statements. Analysts agree that these statements are likely a reaction to recent talk on Capitol Hill about forming a Senate committee to investigate moral decay in the United States.

This turn of events has invigorated many media watchdog groups that have long called for stricter control on media content. Mark Walker, a member of the group Making Television Friendly, summed up his groups reaction, saying "We've been saying this all along, the media is evil and has made it impossible to raise good kids. A change in media content will revive the calm wholesome days of yesteryear." Making Television Friendly is currently campaigning to expand the FCC's list of words that cannot be used on television and introduce stronger restrictions for late night television. Many experts agree that these changes to current policy would lead to hours of new Leave It to Beaver-esque programming that few would enjoy.

Many observers are less concerned with the repercussions of these press statements and more troubled by the language used in them. Many point to the key phrase "campaign of subversion" as puzzling because it indicates that the moral decay caused by television was a deliberate action by these companies. If that were the case, the question is how, and more importantly to what end, did this subversion extend.

All of these mega corporations refused to comment further on an official level, but one insider, who wished to only be identified as B.A., shed some light on the "campaign of subversion." B.A. provided documents referring to a secret partnership between all the major media outlets. He went on to explain the purpose of this deal, saying that the basic agreement provided for limited resource sharing in an effort to develop a more complete method of direct advertising. B.A., who claims to have worked on the original team, said, "We started out trying to find a way to make ads more effective. However, some members of the team took this idea to the logical extreme and we began developing direct mass mind control." According to the leaked documents, the experiments were largely ineffective at increasing consumer spending, but the more nuanced tones of programming carried well. B.A. explained, "We could never get fully formed thought impressed onto the target audiences, but we noticed if we broadcasted programs with extremely emotional or violent content, those tendencies carried very well."

Regardless of the reasons or methods, it is clear that these modified signals have had an increasingly negative effect on today's youth. Mr. Walker stated, "The youth of today are all borderline sociopaths. One major event in their life seen on TV could trigger a reaction and they will turn into murderers and rapists." While the evidence does little to support this statement, the fact remains that while many of the media outlets have apologized for their actions, none have made any indications that they plan on stopping their current methods of broadcasting. B.A. summed up the general feeling within the industry, saying "In the end the big-wigs don't care about mind control - They care whether or not people are watching. If nobody watches then they stop making money. And that is their bottom line."

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