The Sentinel

Issue date: 5/4/09 Section: Humor

What happens when Unions don't know how to take "no" for an answer and tries to force himself on former loved ones? Will he realize that he's slowly killing those around him or will he fight for the Employee Free Choice Act? Find out on today's episode of Dr. Phil!

*rock music plays, audience cheers and Dr. Phil swaggers onto the stage*

Dr. Phil: On today's show, we have an individual who is going through rejection issues. Throughout his whole life, he saw himself as a rebel sticking it to "the man" and worked hard to make life better for his loved ones. Now that he has succeeded and his children have grown up, he has trouble letting go. Labor Unions, thank you for being pathetic enough to talk about your relationship problems on national television.

Unions: The pleasure is all mine, Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Labor Unions, please tell us about your latest push for relevancy in a world that just doesn't need you anymore.

Unions: I used to feel important. Ever since they were young, I've seen my kids (workers) being constantly abused and neglected by heartless bullies (corporations). I stood up for them and won them rights that they didn't have before. Now, I don't know what's going on. Why don't they love me anymore?

Dr. Phil: Son, the way I understand it, you've already done your job. One of your kid's names is American Workers, right? Well, A.W. has grown up and now there are laws that do your old job for you. The bullies are now their best friends. So why the heck can't you let go?

Unions: I'm lonely and some of my feelings are hur . . .

Dr. Phil: Your feelings? To hell with your feelings!

*Audience cheers and claps*

Dr. Phil: Unions, it's time to get real. You call this thing Employee Free Choice Act? You are not fooling anyone but yourself. Even if you put a hat on a donkey and take it on a date, it's still an ass. You say you want to protect Workers from abuse? Take a good look at yourself! You don't need a talking camel to tell you that you've become the abuser!

*Audience murmurs, nods wisely in agreement*

Unions: But I've done so much for them! I just want to force them to move back home and live with me. Like my kid, Car Workers. I gave him everything!

Dr. Phil: All you gave C.W. is a bucket full of pain and layoffs. Why don't we put up a picture of you two on the screen?

*Picture of Labor Unions obviously crushing Car Workers in a bear hug before a Little League game. Next picture is C.W. in hospital with broken ribs. Last picture is of another kid called Toyota taking C.W.'s place on the Little League team.

Dr. Phil: Unions, can you do one thing for me?

*Unions fold his arms and pouts, but nods in agreement*

Dr. Phil: You don't need a stack of cards to buy a stairway to heaven. I want YOU to decide right now to be a stronger person. It's time to wake up and smell the poppycorn. You're not needed anymore and you have to deal with that instead of throwing fits. It's not the 1930s anymore and what you call love is only suffocating Workers. Stop trying to force them to be with you and learn how to deal with your pathetic rejection issues.

*Dr. Phil turns around and looks at the camera*

Dr. Phil: Thank you for joining us on today's show. Next time, we'll take a look at some warning signs and coping strategies if someone you know is dangerously obsessed with VH1's Rock of Love. If they think that rocker dude is really going to find "true love", they've really got some issues.

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