The Sentinel

Issue date: 10/14/09 Section: Culture

I passed by Phat Wraps today and while questioning the sobriety of the owners in choosing that name, I began to contemplate. Wraps. Surely this meant that they made delicious wrapped delicacies that were, in essence, perhaps pretty hot but definitely tempting. But maybe it was a double entendre? I'll never know. But my profound contemplation held many key factors that I had to write down. Indulge below.

Ludacris charms women with sexual exploits
To the public eye, Ludacris has it all: He is greatly successful at the rap biz, has incredible sexual experience and enough women underneath his belt to create a whole song about it. But what's hidden from the public eye is a man hindered, nay haunted, by his outlandish claims concerning his sexual abilities, and the amount of women whom he sexes up.

Let's be honest; Luda's words scream of sexual ideas and hypothetical situations that most women would kill to experience. I mean, who wouldn't want to be in a situation where the flow is insane and the stroke is crazy? Do I like crazy strokes? Of course! However, we all know the ratio of crazy-stroke satisfaction to sexual disappointments is highly in favor of the latter, and the only thing worse than lying to me about what you can do to my goodies is lying about how many other "ginas" you've stroked.

Don't get me wrong, I think it would be an exceptional feat to bed promiscuous women from a multitude of area codes; an easy achievement it definitely is not. And I do believe that Mr. Bridges has accomplished such a triumph. But come on, Ludacris, do your sexual conquests really take on a global context? Do women of all backgrounds beg to be at the mercy of your penis? This is where I have realized your deceit.

By the way, who would want to be with a man who has his condoms in a gigantic sack? The idea of a conspicuous bag full of penis sheaths brings back memories of that not-hot-enough-to-sleep-with-but-he's-really-funny guy-friend that all women have in college, who never gets laid. What you gon' do, indeed.

Rap possesses an inherent flaw that makes us all look retarded
I have this recurring suspicion that rap music is really a cultural machine for producing ridiculous phrases in order to further stupefy our generation. Case in point: the act of 'getting buck' in any location. How does one get buck? Is this somehow related to a woodland animal with a propensity for crossing traffic-ridden highways? Is this in any way commenting on the cruelty of hunting our four-legged Midwestern friends by saying that we must protect them? If so, in what way does this concern the ladies who dance as if they have lost their mannerisms?

Continued...

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