The Sentinel

Issue date: 10/14/09 Section: Humor

Aries - Your boring sex life will finally be cured when your girlfriend "accidentally" trips, falls, and knocks out all of her teeth.

Taurus - Nobody cares about your allergy to peanuts; quit being such a puss.

Gemini - You will tell your uptight girlfriend to "loosen up". She will interpret this request literally.

Cancer - My pet cichlid was recently diagnosed with cancer actually, so cancer jokes are temporarily not hilarious… -Chopper

Leo - You will lose your born-again-virginity again… for the 1,259th time.

Virgo - Giving blood once a month will do nothing to build karma when that "donation" comes from your vagina.

Libra - No, semen is not Atkins friendly.

Scorpio - The OED's definition of "baby boomer" makes no mention of explosives… yet.

Sagittarius - Your little sister is going to lose her virginity to some dude named Chopper… and there is nothing you can do about it.

Capricorn - You will read the horoscopes in UWeekly. You will not laugh.

Aquarius - You may want to wait until after having sex before revealing that you've named your penis "Swamp Thing".

Pisces - Looks, 9/10! Personality, 7/10!! Emotional damage, 10/10!!!!! It looks like you have found yourself a definite keeper.

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