The Sentinel

Issue date: 10/14/09 Section: Humor

The Sentinel recently sat down with the First Daughters to discuss their views on their father's signature cause, health care.

We join Sasha, 8, and Malia, 11, at a tea party, already in progress, taking place in the China Room in the White House's Executive Residence. We're joined at the miniature table by their dolls Barbie, Skipper, and Ken, as well as Rahm Emmanuel, who is currently shaking down Skipper for a 2012 campaign contribution.

The Sentinel: Thanks so much for meeting with us.

Malia: You're very welcome.

TS: Do you always have tea parties after school?

Sasha: Well, we had two friends that used to come over and play after school, but we don't see them very much anymore.

TS: Why not?

Malia: Because Dad's lame, and he and stupid Uncle [Secretary of Education] Arne [Duncan] cut the DC school voucher program, so now they can't afford to go to Sidwell anymore, even though they were like, the smartest girls in our class.

Sasha: Now they have to go to DC public school-ewww!

TS: Well, your Dad's very busy, girls, I'm sure he'll fix that soon. Let's talk about your dad's health care plan. What has he told you about that?

Malia: He says it's going to mean that, like, the government will be in competition with the health insurance companies, so they'll have to shape up if they want customers.

Sasha: Yeah, he explained it to me like this. When we first got [family dog] Bo, we really liked having him a lot, but he peed on the carpet a lot. A LOT.

Malia: So Dad said we needed competition to make Bo behave better, so we got Sammy.

TS: What kind of dog is Sammy?

Sasha: He's a lab!

Malia: He's so stupid. He's big and fat and lazy and HE pees on the carpet too, and he always breaks stuff!

Sammy comes bounding into the room, tongue flopping out of his mouth, tail wagging. He skids on the hardwood floor into the tea party table, shattering a priceless vase and upending Ken's chair. Emmanuel, who was about to secure a major cash contribution from the suntan lotion industry, picks up the dog bodily and sinks his teeth into the back of the dog's neck.

Rahm: YOU WILL PAY!

Sasha: Uncle Raaa-AHM!

Sammy slinks out of the room with his tail between his legs. Bo trots into the room. He looks at Sasha happily as a small wet spot appears on the carpet.

Malia: See, Bo's so much better!

TS: You're right, Bo doesn't seem half-bad. Girls-what has your dad told you about the "public option?"

Continued...

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